I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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