Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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