What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just threw up on my dentist
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
