I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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