Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
