he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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