even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
