wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
