I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
