i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
