Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
