Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
