Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
