At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
