Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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