if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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