Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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