just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
