Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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