I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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