the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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