***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
