I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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