Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
