Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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