you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
