Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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