I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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