Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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