Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
