He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's never too late to be topless.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
