true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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