im about as happy as oj after his trial
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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