I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
