He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
