So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
