The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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