Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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