I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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