Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
