Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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