does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
