Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
