My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
