You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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