hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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