i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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