you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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