Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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