someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
