I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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