now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
