WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
