I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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